My Biggest Regret

What is your biggest regret?

I’ll tell you mine: Being so afraid of failing, that I don’t even try.

When I was young, I really enjoyed art. Through a gift giving charity, I received beautiful paints, brushes and canvases for Christmas one year. I was so afraid of wasting it all on something not worthy of what I had received, that I never used them. To this day, they sit in a box in my closet.

Since even younger than that, I have wanted to write. However, I’ve never thought I was good enough, or had enough of a story in me, to write any sort of novel. It’s only been on Facebook that I’ve found my voice, in a way, and learned that although The Great American Novel may not be the path for me, there may be another way for me to write.

And once again, I’ve let fear slow or stop me. For some time now, I’ve wanted to start a couple of blogs. The first is just an opportunity for me to write about the things I’m interested in/passionate about. Depression, anxiety, body image, love, marriage, sex, child loss, etc. A personal blog to share myself and explore my feelings. The second blog is for my other passion, smut/romance books. I love the books and I love the community of writers and readers, and I’d like to write more about those that I love and why. But fear is still sitting in my way.

I worry about screwing it up. I worry about not being very interesting or compelling for readers. I worry about no one reading what I want to say. I try to plan out the best possible approach, the smartest and most successful way to do it all, rather than just jumping in and doing it. I give excuses and reasons, and procrastinate, just to spare myself any embarrassment or failure. I think too much about what others will think of me, rather than what I want and what will make me feel fulfilled.

And so I regret. I’m now at a point in my life, approaching 40 with so many ignored opportunities behind me, that I don’t want to add to the pile. So I’m making myself these promises:

Before I turn 40 in October, I will:

1. Start a personal blog, Being Real with Danielle
2. Start a reviewing blog.
3. Quit smoking for good.
4. Strive to be healthier and feel good about myself, mentally and physically, whether or not we have another baby.
5. Throw myself a 40th birthday party where I can dance all night long.

Fear will still be there. Sitting right beside anxiety and depression. I’m just going to have to step around them.

This is my first step.